


(Would You) Stay With Me

by love_stella



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Getting Together, Little spoon Phil Myers, M/M, Meddling younger brothers, please read warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 05:15:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14867315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_stella/pseuds/love_stella
Summary: “In case you didn’t know, I love you not your dick, even if from what I’ve seen in the locker room it’s a nice one. And if I never see it any other place, that’s fine as long as I still get you.”





	(Would You) Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY PLEASE DO US BOTH THE FAVOR AND CLOSE THIS WINDOW RIGHT NOW. 
> 
> See endnotes for spoilery warnings, but to be safe, a character experiences panic attacks, internalized acephobia and self-loathing, invasive questions. If there's anything I've missed please let me know. 
> 
> Thanks to Aimee, Heather, and Ali for reading before I decided to post, and Lotts for cheerleading and helping with warnings. ily all <33

_Prologue_ :

Phil keeps watching Jér out of the corner of his eye, sees him throw his head back laughing at something Zach says to him, and he doesn’t think he’s being too obvious until Alex comes over with a beer and sits down on the couch with him.

“I’m pretty sure right now’s not a time to be so serious,” Alex says, handing him the beer. “We just won the President’s Cup, you should be getting just as drunk as Perry, not moping in Jér’s direction.”

“I’m not moping,” Phil whines, and ok, maybe he is moping, but he’s not _sad_ about it.

“Uh huh, sure you’re not,” Alex agrees, and it’s at that moment that Jér catches Phil’s eye and decides to wander over to see what he and Alex are talking about, grabbing the beer out of Phil’s hand and placing it on the table to he can sit on his lap.

“Watchya talkin’ bout,” Jér slurs. “Why’d’ya look sad?”

“‘M not sad Jér,” Phil says, dodging Jér’s elbow when he turns to look at him. “Get off me, you’re heavy.”

“Am not,” Jér says, shifting to settle even more weight on Phil’s lap. “Forts, ‘m I heavy?”

“No Jér, but please stay on Phil’s lap, he likes you more,” Alex laughs.

Jér stays there until he gets bored, deciding that the beer pong some of the boys are playing is more interesting than Phil and Alex’s quiet company.

“Y’know, Jér likes you,” Alex says out of nowhere.

“Yeah, we’re friends,” Phil says.

“No I mean, he _likes_ you, and from the way you were just looking at him, you like him too,” Alex says.

“It wouldn’t work out,” Phil says, _just_ drunk enough that the words don’t stop there, besides, he trusts Alex with this. “I’m not interested in fucking.”

“At all?” Alex asks.

“Nope.” Phil slurs, popping the “p.”

“My cousin’s like that too,” Alex says. “We’ve talked about it a bit, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting sex.”

“Yeah?” Phil asks, even though he’s honestly not listening because he’s not sure if he could ever believe it.

“Yeah, if you want I can give you her number and you can talk sometime,” Alex says.

“Yeah sure,” he answers, but Phil already knows he’ll never call her. Still, it’s kind of comforting to know that one of his best friends doesn’t think what he does, that something’s wrong with him.

“Anyways, you should totally ask Jér out,” Alex says, changing the subject back to what they were talking about earlier. “You both like each other, and Zach would hate it, wouldn’t that be fun?”

“Ha, maybe when next season starts, we’ve got the Mem Cup to win right now,” Phil says, and that’s enough to distract Alex and make him jump up and pull Phil with him, leading him to the small dance floor they’ve cleared in the corner of the room, and that’s the last thing Phil can clearly remember from that night, and the last memory he wants to hold onto until he gets back to Moncton.

 

\---

Phil doesn’t mean to come out to his buddies back home, it just sort of happens. They’re just hanging out watching a Habs game when Pat starts talking about this girl he’s been seeing for the past few weeks, how the conversation inevitably turns to sex, he can’t escape without drawing more attention to himself so he sits as still as he can hoping that they’ll forget he’s there.

“Hey Phil, you hooked up with Sophie yet?” Pat asks, and oh fuck, they’re looking right at him and he’s got to come up with something quickly or they’ll get suspicious.

“Ha, no man, not yet,” he says, but his face feels like its burning and there’s no way they don’t notice it.

“C’mon man, seriously? She’d be into it,” Dan says.  

“I dunno man, it’s just never come up,” Phil whispers into his beer.

“Dude, are you crazy? She’s,” Dan says, making a motion with his hands that Phil thinks is supposed to be an outline of curves, which, first of all, gross, and second, what the fuck? “Y’know.”

“I mean, I guess, I dunno man, it’s just never come up,” Phil sighs, staring at his beer hard enough he’s surprised the glass hasn’t shattered yet.

“Do you not want to fuck her?” Pat asks, and jesus did he have to say it like that?

“I mean. I dunno? Can we just watch the fucking game?” Phil asks, trying not to beg.

“Yeah, fine,” Dan starts to say, but Pat cuts in with “Dude, are you a virgin?” at the same time, and shit, Phil _really_ wishes he could just die right now. They must be able to see something on his face, because the next thing out of Dan’s mouth is “Haha Pat, very funny, Phil’s not a virgin, right?”

“I...umm,” Phil stammers, and _shit shit shit_ this is not what Phil planned on doing tonight.

“Oh my god, you are! Seriously?” Pat shrieks. “How is that even possible?”

“It’s just, never come up ok?” Phil says. “I’ve just… never wanted to.”

“Really?” Dan asks, scooting towards Phil like he’s a baby deer that’s going to bolt at any minute. Phil would be mad, but considering the circumstances, that’s actually fair.

“Hey bro, it’s fine,” Pat says. “You just haven’t met the right chick yet. There’s nothing wrong with you. When you meet her you’ll see how great sex is.”

“I dunno man, whatever you say,” and with that, Phil’s fucking out of here. He grabs his shit and leaves before realizing that they’re at _his_ house and ends up running to his room and hoping that they’ll just leave when they figure out he’s not coming out of his room.

He ignores the knocks on his door and the “Hey man, we’re sorry,” from Dan and the “I guess we’ll see you later,” from Pat, and somehow manages to hold in the tears until he hears the front door slam shut. He cries himself to sleep, thinking _what’s wrong with me why am I broken_ until his throat his raw and he can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

 

Phil really doesn’t want to hang out with his friends after last night, but if he doesn’t show up to Sam’s birthday party they’ll probably come looking for him. When he shows up, Pat and Dan both give him _looks_ that he pretends not to see, and it’s fine until later that night when they’re all chilling outside by the pool.

They’re teenage boys, of course they’re going to talk about sex as soon as all the girls are gone. Phil wishes he could have snuck out with them, but that would have just drawn more attention than he wants, so again, he makes himself as small as possible and hopes they leave him out of it.

They don’t. They’re not trying to be mean, and Phil _knows_ that, but when Alex starts talking about the girl he brought home last week, his face catches fire and he starts choking on the swig of beer he just swallowed.

“Bro, you ok,” Sam asks, getting up and slapping Phil on the back twice. Phil doesn’t get a chance to answer before Pat answers for him.

“He’s fine, he’s just figuring some shit out,” he says. “You probably just shocked his virgin ears.”

“Ha, what?” Alex says, and of course at that moment it’s so quiet Phil can hear crickets chirping and the fire crackling.

They’re all staring at Phil, waiting for him to tell them it’s a joke, that he and Sophie hook up all the time, but he can’t find the words and _he can’t breathe_ and he just wishes he could disappear, and that’s when Dan decides to push Alex into the pool, distracting everyone by jumping in after and splashing as much water as he can all over the patio.

Phil takes advantage of the distraction, not thinking about how Dan nods once in Phil’s direction before trying to dunk Alex under the water and drawing even more attention towards the pool. He grabs his phone and gets the fuck out of there, it’s a miracle he doesn’t trip on the door jam in his haste to get to his car, anywhere he can catch his breath and steady the shaking of his hands. _Everyone knows I’m broken_ , he thinks to himself. This time he doesn’t cry until he gets to his driveway, boneshaking sobs that are loud enough to draw his mom out of the house so she can pull him out of the car and into her arms.

“Oh mon cœur what’s wrong,” she coos, leading him up the driveway and into the house.

“What’s wrong with me maman?” he cries, buring into her chest like it can swallow him whole and make him disappear.

“Nothing’s wrong with you, why would you think that?”

“I’m _broken_ maman,” he cries. “No one’s going to want me if I’m broken.”

That’s enough to make her gently push him away, lifting his chin so she can look him in the eyes and tell him that “no matter what, you aren’t broken, you’re my wonderful child and I’ll kill anyone who tells you otherwise.” That startles a laugh out of him, and he clumsily wipes at his eyes and cringes at the wetness his tears left on her sleeve.

“Go sit down on the couch, I’ll be right in and we can talk about it if you want to,” she whispers, “Or we can eat ice cream and watch your favorite movie, whatever you want.”

Phil falls asleep that night to his mom carding her fingers through his hair and the comforting French laughter coming from the tv, and at that moment, nothing can hurt him.

\---

The rest of the summer passes by awkwardly, he still hangs out with his friends like normal, but they’re constantly tip-toeing around him like they don’t know what will spook him, and he doesn’t know what to say around them either so it’s just… awkward. He starts texting the Rouyn boys, Jér mostly, but the group chat gets more and more active the closer to training camp they get.

 

Jér invites Phil to lunch the day after he gets back to Rouyn, and there’s no way he’s going to say no to hanging out with his best friend. Jér shows up at Phil’s billet as he’s unpacking all of his stuff, and Phil swears he could never get enough of the sight of Jér sitting on his bed, playing with one of his pillows until Phil’s ready to leave.

They end up at their favorite Italian restaurant, and as usual when their food arrives Jér immediately starts picking things off Phil’s plate and talking about his adventures back in Val-d'Or and how excited he is that they’re going to be defending the cup this season.

Phil gets lost watching Jér’s eyes dance as he talks, is too focused on his smile to realize that Jér’s asking him a question until he feels a light kick to his shin.

“How’s Soph?” Jér asks, no trace of smirk on his face.

“Oh uh, we actually broke up,” Phil replies. “Before I left. It’s just easier, I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” Jér says, looking for a second like he wants to reach over and put his hand on Phil’s where it’s resting on the table.

“Thanks Jér.”

“Any prospects here in Rouyn you’re thinking about?”

 _Yes, You,_ is the first thing that runs through his mind, but what leaves his mouth is “Nope, not right now.”

“Oh? That’s a shame. Any girl would be lucky to have you,” Jér says, and Phil’s lucky the table’s small enough for him to hear the hushed, “Or boy,” that he follows up with.

Phil would give anything to make this conversation end, he doesn’t want Jér to think differently of him or worse, think that something’s _wrong_ with Phil, so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“I’m. Straight,” he shrieks, before running out of the restaurant, not looking back at the confused, hurt expression on Jér’s face.

 

Zach’s waiting for Phil when he gets off the ice after practice, grabbing him and dragging him into an equipment closet before he has time to protest.

“You don’t have a problem with my brother, do you?” Zach says, the glare in his eyes deadly enough that Phil’s actually afraid to look him in the eyes.

“What? Why would I have a problem with Jér? He’s _Jér_ ,” Phil asks, because he has no idea why Zach would think he feels anything but affection for the older Lauzon.

“He said you freaked out when the last time you hung out,” Zach says, and yikes, the glare is getting worse.

“What?”

“He said you screamed that you were straight and ran off, without any other explanation.”

“He? What? He asked about Sophie, and when I told him we broke up he asked if I was interested in anyone here,” Phil does his best to explain. “It’s...complicated. But. I swear I don’t have a problem with Jér. He’s my best friend, he knows that.”

It takes Zach a minute to answer, Phil’s almost afraid he’s royally pissed him off, but when he answers it’s with a simple “My brother’s an idiot. I’ll talk to him, but you probably should too.” And with that, Zach’s gone, not even bothering to say goodbye.

 

Zach corners him again after practice, this time he waits until Phil’s on his way out to the car, declaring that “We’re going to get coffee, shut up and drive,” before climbing into the passenger seat and strapping himself in. Phil’s not getting out of this alive, he knows it.

Zach shuts the radio off as soon as they pull onto the road, apparently they’re having a conversation _right now_.

“You know Jér’s gay right?” Zach asks, and how he’s not pulling any punches. “I talked to him, but we’re pretty sure you already know.”

“Yeah, I saw the snaps of him and Henny over the summer,” Phil says, not understanding where this is going.

“Ugh gross I don’t want to remember anything I saw this summer,” Zack sputters, “Anyways, that’s what I was talking about yesterday. That you don’t have a problem with him being gay.”

“Oh, well, no my answer hasn’t changed,” Phil says. “Believe me, I love Jér, he could never do anything to make me dislike him.”

“You… you know what. Nevermind,” Zach says. “I’m glad I don’t have to kill you. I’ve changed my mind, just drive me home.”

 _Would_ _Jér hate me if I stopped the car and left him on the side of the road? Probably_. So Phil drives him home, turning the radio back on so he doesn’t have to think about how weird this conversation is.

\---

Phil tries not to notice the way Zach keeps watching him, on the ice, in the locker room, even on the bus when Phil’s sitting with Alex a few rows behind Zach. Phil would never consider himself a complicated guy, he can’t figure out what Zach is trying to figure out by being a weirdo instead of just straight up talking to him.

Jér’s being just as weird, always smacking Zach’s shoulder and blushing when Phil catches Zach watching him, but again, Phil’s going to wait for one of them to approach him when they’re ready to do whatever it is they’re planning.  

Zach must say something to Coach, because he gets put out with Jér during practice, sticking to his brother’s back like he’s afraid to let him out of his sight. He doesn’t stop talking to Jér either, every time they’ve got a little privacy he keeps whispering and looking in Phil’s direction, and Jér almost trips over his skates trying to get off the ice at the end of practice.

By the time Phil gets off the ice, Jér’s showered and changed but Zach is standing over him and not letting him leave his stall.

Phil gives Jér’s leg a tap with his skate before sitting down and taking his gear off, only looking up when he hears Zach cough and Jér quietly say “Hey Phil, can we talk when you’re done getting dressed?”

“Huh? Of course, is everything ok,” Phil says, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice. Whatever the brothers have been planning is apparently happening in the next few minutes.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, he just needs to talk to you,” Zach says before Jér can open his mouth. “Relax dude, go wash your stench off.”

Phil doesn’t know why he’s nervous the entire time he’s in the shower or his hands are shaking while he’s putting his clothes back on, he just _is_. Zach leaves as soon as Phil puts his shoes on, taking Jér’s car keys and saying “Phil will give you a ride, won’t you Phil?” Not that he waits for Phil’s response before he’s out of the building, but at least he asked?

“So… you wanted to talk?” Phil asks once their teammates have left.

“Yeah just… not here? Can we get lunch or something? I’m starving,” Jér says.

“Sure,” Phil says, leading the way to his car. “The usual place?”

“Whatever you want,” Jér says, and Phil is definitely not going to think too hard about that.

They manage to find a table in the back of the restaurant, Phil’s still not sure what’s going to happen but if Jér’s planning on telling him that he never wants Phil to talk to him again it’s best to have that discussion in private.

“Are you going to tell me why Zach’s been such a weirdo?” Phil asks once their food arrives.

“If you haven’t noticed, Zach’s just weird,” Jér says, pushing his tomatoes towards the edge of the plate so Phil can easily pick them up.

“Ok but he’s been weirder than normal the past few days,” Phil says.

“He just… wants me to talk to you about something, so that’s what we’re doing.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah let’s just eat and I’ll be ready to talk, alright?” Jér says, and with that, they eat their food, and Phil’s proud he only drops two noodles on his lap with how badly his hands are shaking.

“Zach says I should ask you out on a date,” Jér blurts halfway through the meal. _So much for waiting until they’re done_ , Phil thinks, and great now he’s choking on one of the tomatoes Jér gave him. Phil holds up a hand when Jér starts to get out of his chair, wordlessly telling him that he’ll be fine as soon as he catches his breath enough to drink some water.

“Are you ok?” Jér asks once Phil’s stopped dying, and wow that’s a loaded question: his best friend who he’s got a giant crush on just asked him out, no he’s not ok, but he’s not choking anymore, so he’s counting that as a win.

“Zach says what?” Phil asks, still not believing that this is happening.

“That I should ask you out,” Jér says, the flush on his cheeks starting to spread to his ears and down his neck. “Unless… You don’t want me to?”

“No, no, no. I want you to,” Phil says, and he gets to watch Jér’s smile split his face in half and his dimples come out.

“Yeah?” Jér whispers.

“Yeah,” Phil says.

“So if I asked you out to ice cream after this, you’d say yes?”

“I’d say that as long as you don’t chirp me for the ice cream I get, it’s a date,” Phil says, letting Jér’s smile infect his own, he’s sure anyone that can see them thinks they’re smiling dopes.

 

Jér keeps his promise and doesn’t chirp Phil for ordering one scoop of green tea ice cream along with a scoop of espresso, it’s much more interesting than Jér’s combo of cookie dough and boring chocolate. They eat their ice cream out on the patio, enjoying the sun and each other’s company, their chairs pushed in close enough that they can knock their knees together and start a game of footsie under the table, and to Jér’s credit, he only pouts a little when Phil wins.

After a while, Jér starts looking at his phone and frowning, and Phil’s about to ask what the problem is when Jér snaps a picture of Phil mid-bite and answers his phone immediately when it starts ringing.

“Sorry Zachary, I’m on a date, fuck off,” he says, smiling at Phil and rolling his eyes at his brother’s nosiness. “No you cannot talk to Phil. He’s busy eating food that I bought him. Bye.”

Phil tries not to laugh at the screaming he can hear from the other end of the phone before Jér hangs up, and it’s a battle he loses when Jér sets his phone on the table and sees that the rest of his ice cream has started to melt. Phil hasn’t seen a full pout on Jér’s face in too long, and coupled with the fact that he’s on a date with this ridiculous boy, it’s enough to send him into a fit of giggles that don’t stop until Jér’s laughing with him and his chest hurts from laughing too much.

Phil’s sure they would have stayed out all night if it wasn’t for their curfew, but it’s worth it when he drops Jér off at his billet and gets a tight, lingering hug from Jér before he gets out of the car, and the promise of a second date when they get back from their roadie.

\---

Phil would prefer it if he stopped finding Zach waiting by his car, Zach wasn’t even working out, what’s he even doing at the gym? He narrows his eyes and tries not to sound like he’s irritated, he’s tired and just wants to go home.

“What do you want this time?”

“Why do I have to want something, can’t I just want to talk to my brother’s new boyfriend,” the little shit asks.

“No,” Phil says.

“Oh come on, I’m hurt,” Zach says, holding his hands to his chest like he’s been wounded.

“If you don’t tell me what you want you’d better get out of the way so I don’t open the door on your face,” Phil says, unlocking his car, and that’s what Zach was waiting for, he opens _Phil’s_ door and hops in like it’s his car.

“We’re going out to eat, ice cream sound good? Jér says you like it,” _god he’s such a fucking shit_ ,  Phil thinks.

“Will you leave me alone if I come with you?” Phil asks.

“It’s really not like you have a choice, this is your car and I’m in the driver’s seat.”

“Fine, shut up and drive,” Phil sighs. “This time we’d better actually go to the restaurant.”

“Of course! We’re going to have a talk,” Zach says, turning the radio on and cranking it up.

Zach, ever the gentleman, pays for their ice cream when they get to the shop, and Phil might be more appreciative if 1) Zach wasn’t clearly up to something _again_ and 2) Zach didn’t just ask for two scoops: chocolate and cookie dough, the little shit.

“Are you going to tell me what you want or am I gonna have to guess,” Phil asks. “You know Jér won’t be happy if I tell him you’re being a snoop.”

Phil watches the smirk grow on Zach’s face as he licks his current spoonful before saying, “I just want to make sure you’re taking care of my darling brother.”

“I am,” Phil says, not liking where this conversation is heading.

“Good to hear, I just hope you know that if for any reason you hurt him, I will murder you and they’ll never find the body,” Zach says, looking up through his lashes like he’s not threatening anyone.

“The only Lauzon I want to hurt right now is you,” Phil says. “I’d never do anything to hurt Jér, he’s my favorite.”

“Hmm, wonderful,” Zach smirks, enjoying watching Phil squirm waiting for the rest of his reply. “Hurry up and finish your monstrosity, we’re done here and I’m bored now.”

\---

Everything’s going great with Jér, nothing’s really changed between them except now there’s hand holding whenever they walk together and soft kisses before they have to go back to their billets, Phil’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Jér to realize that he doesn’t want him anymore if the sex-thing comes up.

That shoe drops in Drummondville, once they’re settled in their hotel room and arguing over what to watch on TV before they go to bed. They’re crammed onto the bed that’s technically Phil’s, it’s really not big enough for the both of them but they’re managing and they’ve spent the past few weeks figuring out the best way to cuddle on small beds so it’s not as uncomfortable as it could be.

Jér starts discussing the merits of rewatching the last season of The Office, when Phil gets caught staring at the way his eyes are crinkling and his nose is slowly turning a deep shade of pink.

“Everything ok?” Jér asks. “You’re zoning out on me.”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine,” Phil says.

“If you say so,” Jér says, his eyebrows creased in concern, and Phil can’t help but lean over and kiss the frown off his mouth.

Phil’s always been fine with making out, it’s fun and he likes feeling that close to whoever he’s with, and he’s usually good at stopping things before they escalate any further, but this time he gets caught up in Jér’s lips against his and the feeling of Jér’s shirt under his hands and the soft sound Jér makes when he bites at his lip, and doesn’t realize that Jér’s started to move down his body until he feels Jér’s hand on the waistband of his sweats.

“Can I…” Jér whispers, and _no no no he can’t do this_ and Phil doesn’t realize he’s pushing Jér off him, he can’t _think_ and he just needs to get away from Jér before he does something stupid like cry because Jér’s going to figure out the truth, that he’s _broken_ and _worthless_ and Jér’s been wasting his time with him because he can’t give him anything.

Phil runs into the bathroom, locks the door and climbs into the tub, feeling the cool tile against his skin even though it’s not doing anything to calm his shaking hands or slow his breathing, he’d turn on the water if he could but right now he can’t do anything but sit and wish that the shower drain would swallow him whole.

“Phil, mon beau, are you ok,” he thinks he hears Jér saying through the door.

“Please leave,” is all that makes it out of Phil’s mouth, even though he knows Jér’s not leaving until he thinks Phil’s alright, so he does the next best thing. “Get Forts, please.”

“Forts?” and Phil tries not to let the confusion coloring Jér’s voice get to him.

“Yes, just. Please get him,” Phil says, and just like over the summer, he waits until he hears the door close before letting the tears fall.

Phil’s not sure how long it takes before he hears the key in the door and Alex’s voice softly asking if he can come into the bathroom, and he doesn’t remember getting out of the tub to unlock the door before Alex tells Jér to “go crash with Math, I’ll stay here tonight.”

Phil’s back in the tub when Alex finally comes into the room, leaving the door open because he trusts Jér enough not to intrude, Alex settles himself on the edge of the tub before Phil gives him the ok to climb in with him. That’s all the invitation Alex needs before he’s got an arm around Phil and telling him to “take it easy, just breathe with me, you’re fine” and it’s enough to jerk Phil out of his thoughts and start focusing on making his chest rise and fall with Alex’s.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Alex asks, once Phil stops shaking so hard that his elbows keep jabbing him in the side.

“Jér knows,” is all Phil can say before the tears start again.

“Hey, no, you’re ok, what does Jér know? He didn’t say anything except that you were upset.”

“He tried to. Y’know. And I _can’t_ and now he’s not going to want me anymore and he’s going to _hate_ me and I want to _die_ ,” Phil manages to say between sobs.

“Oh Phil, Jér could never hate you, he loves you so much Zach vomits on a daily basis,” Alex whispers, carding his fingers through Phil’s hair so Phil doesn’t have to look at him.

“I can’t fuck him,” Phil mutters, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Who wants a boyfriend that won’t have sex with them. I’m-”

“Phil don’t you dare say you’re broken, you’re not,” Alex says, and this time he does lift Phil’s chin enough so he can look him in the eye. “Is my cousin broken?”

“What? Of course not.”

“Then you’re not either, asexuality is a normal thing,” Alex says.

“She’s different,” Phil starts to say, before Alex cuts him off again.

“She’s much smarter than you are, but other than that, she’s not,” he says.

“I don’t-”

“Listen, I will spend the entire night telling you all the sappy things Jér’s spent the past year telling me about you, I doubt any of that’s going to change because of one small detail,” Alex insists, and it’s enough to startle a laugh out of Phil. “Now can we please get out of the tub, it’s not comfy at all.”

Phil lets Alex pull him out of the tub and lets him arrange him how he wants on the bed before Alex pulls the sheet over them, and the last thing he hears before he falls asleep is a soft “you do need to talk to him, I promise it’ll be fine,” from over his shoulder. Being the small spoon is _awkward_ even if it’s nice to be held by his friend.

\---

When Phil wakes up the next morning, Alex is gone and he hears two sounds: the shower running and what he knows from experience is Jér’s version of singing. He checks his phone and sees a text from Alex with too many heart emojis and an “it’ll be alright,” and he spends the rest of Jér’s shower trying to brace himself for inevitable break up talk that’s going to happen soon.

Jér comes out of the shower with nothing but a towel hanging off his hips, and it kills Phil to see the deer-in-the-headlights look on his face when he sees that Phil’s awake.

“Sorry, Forts’ shower is broken and I needed clothes, I’ll leave in a second,” Jér stammers, and Phil’s heart shatters into a million pieces at the sound.

“No, you shouldn’t have to leave because of me,” Phil says. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Jér says. “I’m sorry if I pushed you too far last night.”

“No,  it’s my fault,” Phil says.

“What? I’m the one who tried to take things further,” Jér says, moving closer to the bed Phil feels stuck to.

“That’s normal,” Phil whispers, “I’m… not normal.”

“You’re wonderful Phil, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jér says, taking Phil’s silence as permission to sit on the edge of the bed.

“I’m not though,” Phil answers, picking at seam of his sweats and doing everything in his power not start crying again. “I can’t… I don’t want…”

“Sex?” Jér asks, putting his hand on top of Phil’s, not saying anything else until Phil nods his head just enough to give him an answer. “That’s ok Phil.”

“No it’s _not_ , you don’t want a useless boyfriend,” Phil sobs.

“Can we still cuddle and hold hands and fight over the covers and tease my brother for being a nerd?”

“Of course,” Phil says.

“Then guess what, you’re not useless, you’d never be useless even if you didn’t want to touch my hand again,” Jér says. “In case you didn’t know, I love _you_ not your dick, even if from what I’ve seen in the locker room it’s a nice one. And if I never see it any other place, that’s fine as long as I still get _you_.”

“You still want me?” Phil asks, not believing it even though he sees the earnest look on Jér’s face, like he’d give him the world if Phil asked.

“Until you get sick of me, always,” Jér promises, and at that moment Phil doesn’t care that his face is probably covered in snot and tears, he _has_ to kiss this amazing boy. “We don’t have to leave for skate for another hour, I think we deserve a nap, don’t you?”

“A nap sounds good,” Phil says, pulling Jér down onto the mattress and curling into his side. “I love you.”

“Oh mon beau, I love you too.”

\---

Phil’s convinced that things with Jér are going to change, that Jér will eventually get tired of not getting off after he’s gotten riled up after making out on the couch for what feels like hours, that he’ll realize Phil’s not worth his attention anymore, but it hasn’t happened yet.

If anything, Jér’s gotten _more_ affectionate with him, going so far as to shove Antoine off the couch when they’re all hanging out playing video games and Phil needs a place to sit, immediately wrapping his arm around Phil and kissing his forehead while their friends make fake-vomit noises.

It’s not a bad thing, and the more Phil thinks about it, the more he realizes that this is just how Jér’s _always_ been around him: soft and so sweet it makes Phil’s teeth hurt sometimes.

\---

Jér's billet parents are still at work, but Phil knows where the spare key is so he doesn't hesitate to unlock the door and go inside when Jér doesn't answer. They've got a study date, he _should_ know Phil's coming.

As he gets closer to Jér's room, he hears soft sounds coming from behind the door, but he figures Jér's just watching a movie or fucking around on his phone, and the door’s partially open so he just walks in.

That was a Bad Idea, Jér’s not fucking around on his phone, he’s fucking his fist.

“Ohmygodsorry,” Phil sputters, almost running straight into the door as he tries to leave, and he’s definitely not thinking about the way Jér jerked his hips up and said -no, moaned- his name when he saw him.

“Shit, Phil,” Jér says a second later, Phil can hear the sound of what must be Jér stubbing his toe on the bed or him falling over trying to pull his jeans back up. “Please don’t leave, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, we can just study later,” Phil says, feeling his face burning and trying not to be embarrassed. He _knows_ Jér probably just forgot, that he’d never do anything like this on purpose, but right now it’s taking everything in Phil not to start freaking out.

“Mon beau please hold on,” Jér says, gently grabbing Phil’s arm before he can open the front door. “I’m so sorry, I lost track of time, I swear,” and he sounds so desperate that Phil can’t help but look at him, he can’t _touch_ Jér right now but at least he can give him a small, barely there smile to make Jér relax a little.

“Science or history,” is all Phil says.

“What?” Jér asks, confused.

“To study, science or history?” Phil repeats. “Just. If you want me to stay, we have to study.”

“I actually need more help with math, is that ok?”

“I bet you do,” Phil manages to joke. “But he’s not here right now, so we’ll just have to look at today’s homework.”

“I’ll take that,” Jér laughs. “Is it alright if we go back up to my room? I can clean up first.”

“I don’t think you got that far,” Phil says, and it’s fine, he can do this. It’s _Jér_.

 

“I understand if you want to have sex with other people,” Phil blurts while they’re trying to figure out how to factor polynomials.  

“Huh?” Jér says.

“Y’know. If you want to fuck someone, I’d be ok with it I guess,” Phil explains.

“My hands and I are very happy together,” Jér says before making little hand puppets with both of them, moving his thumb up and down and saying, in the most ridiculous voice, “We love you and Jér very much and it’s an honor to help you with this. We’ll bite anyone who touches him.”

“Well thank you,” Phil laughs, reaching over and petting both of Jér’s hands. God, Phil loves this stupid dork, hand puppets and all.

“Besides, there are these inventions called sex toys people all over the world have, that I can pull out of my closet if I get bored of Lefty and Righty,” Jér explains.

“Those are terrible names for partners Jér,” Phil laughs.

“Hey,” Jér says in that _awful_ voice, “you’re just jealous.”

“Hmm I don’t think so,” Phil says, “and I can do something you can’t” as he leans over and kisses the corner of Jér’s smile.  

They exchange a few more kisses before the textbook digging into Phil’s side reminds him that they really should be studying, and they continue, this time with Jér’s head in his lap as he quizzes him on that day’s lesson.  

“If it takes me telling you every single day how much I love you for you to believe that I’m not going to leave you, I’ll do it,” Jér promises.

 

\---

_Epilogue_

  
Phil doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to not being able to turn around and see Jér standing there, instead relying on phone calls and shitty video feeds to see his boyfriend now that they’re playing hockey in different cities. Phil answers the skype call right away, sitting up against his headboard and not bothering to hide the smile that overtakes his face when he sees Jér’s sleepy smirk.  

“I came out to Sammy and Nic earlier,” Phil says, after they’ve caught each other up on what’s gone on since they last talked, Phil knows it’s only been a couple days, but it feels like it’s been an eternity.

“Do I have to drive down and kill them?” Jér asks, only partially joking and they both know it.

“No, they were actually cool with it,” Phil says, and they were. Phil slipped up and mentioned Jér might be coming around if the timing ever worked out, which led to Nic giving him a look and asking if they’d need “privacy” and Phil steeled himself before telling them that “no, I’m ace, there’s no need to put socks on the doors if he’s over.” And that was the end of it, Sammy patting his shoulder and muttering “that’s cool bro” and Nic saying “thanks for telling us.”

“I’m glad I don’t have commit any felonies, even though you’re worth it.” Jér says.

“Thanks mon beau. Tell me about the dog you sent me a snap of,” Phil says, the _I miss hearing your voice please keep talking_ going unsaid, but judging by the way Jér launches into his story, he heard it loud and clear. Falling asleep listening to Jér’s voice isn’t the same as falling asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms, but it’ll have to do. For now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilery warnings:
> 
> -before they discuss phil's asexuality, jer tries to initiate sex with phil past a level with which he is comfortable, which results in phil having a panic attack. he is comforted by forts
> 
> -phil and jer are in a relationship where they have agreed to not have sex. there is a scene where phil accidentally walks in on jer masturbating and reacts negatively to it. they talk it over, and both characters apologize and re-affirm their mutual trust
> 
>  
> 
> -This is the most personal thing I've ever written, and is just my own personal experience with my asexuality, it's not universal and everyone is different, so please keep that in mind.  
> -No disrespect to Phil's friends in Moncton, I'm sure they're lovely and would be fully supportive of phil, mine were. Not. 
> 
> if there's anything I missed, or if you want to cry about these boys with me, i'm aIexfortins on twitter (the l is an uppercase i) or gauthboy on tumblr


End file.
